Friday, July 6, 2012

I don't want someone to save me, I want someone to stand by my side as I save myself.

Every day there are little reminders that I have yet to find someone to share my hours with. A couple holding hands, a friend telling a story about her boyfriend, or her upcoming wedding, or even a discussion about whether or not a friend should start trying for a baby. I want all of those things, as any girl that listened to boy bands and watched Disney fairy tales does. After seeing Magic Mike over the weekend, I definitely want all of those things, plus maybe someone who can dance. Seriously. 

That being said, I find myself continually faced with a kind of lingering fear. My most recent relationships have been testaments to the fact that I always feel the desire to change the person I'm with. My friend Erin and I have come to the realization that as teachers, we yearn to help people, to shape them into better versions of themselves. Unfortunately, that particular inclination tends to bleed out of the classroom and into our personal lives at every turn.

In a response to past failures, I have spent the last year avoiding relationships in general. I keep telling myself that it's because I'm waiting for the perfect circumstances, the perfect guy, the perfect conversation. I keep saying that I'm not settling, that I'm waiting to see if I have to move, that no one has connected with me (with the exception of one extremely inappropriate guy who shall remain nameless). I laugh with my friends about my single girl escapades and tease them about their relationships, when in reality I'm just jealous.

So what is a girl to do? I could continue to blame my daddy issues and the uncertainty of my future, but that obviously hasn't been working for me. I could keep skirting the issue, and flirting with boys at bars, getting drunk and using my youth as an excuse. I cling to my independence because I am afraid to allow anyone else any ownership. I've had a lot of fun, and I know that I will continue to do so, but what I really need to do is relax and realize that my next relationship might not be the fairy tale that Disney taught me to want, but it might be fun, and it certainly won't kill me. 

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